For the past few months, I’ve been pondering about the whole idea of dealing with the frustrations that come in our walk of life; it could be in relationships with friends, partners, workmates, churchmates and family.
During my quest for knowledge, I received a very comprehensively written and well summarized article about the root of these frustrations and how to deal with them practically. I am going to share it as received, because it wouldn’t make sense to pick out a few points, and then finally I will relate it to our context.
Given enough time, conflict and frustration will inevitably arise within relationships. Whether it’s a coworker, friend, parent, child, or spouse, one simply cannot avoid the friction that occasionally (or not so occasionally) results from being individually-minded humans.
You see, we all come into relationships with expectations—some spoken, some unspoken. Some of our expectations may be reasonable (to us, anyway), while others may be idealized and unrealistic. But . . . can I share something with you?
Your expectations in a relationship are determining how you are experiencing that relationship.
When your expectations are being met, the world is grand. When your expectations go unmet, frustration ensues. Are you frustrated in a relationship right now? If so, try to look past the surface irritations and simply ask yourself, “What am I expecting from this person that isn’t lining up with my experience?” Then look closely at your expectations and observe the following:
- Where did your expectation originate? Was it something from your family of origin, formed from a past hurt, or possibly cultivated from watching TV or reading books about relationships?
- Is your expectation realistic? If your expectation of a relationship came from an idealized scenario on television, it may not be reasonable. For example, if you are married and expect your spouse to never disagree with you—unrealistic.
- Is your expectation reasonable? There may be times when your expectations are realistic, but maybe not in the moment or season. Your best friend didn’t call you when you needed some encouragement. Does that mean they don’t care? Chances are, that’s likely not what’s happening. Instead of getting mad and isolating yourself, why not reach out to them first and share what you are going through? This leads to my next observation . . .
- Have you communicated your expectation clearly? Sometimes we expect people to read our minds. If you are frustrated about an unmet expectation that you haven’t communicated, then your frustration is your own fault. Once you communicate your expectations, the other party will either agree to meet you there or not. If not, then at least you can have a conversation and possibly come to an agreeable solution for both of you.
If the lightbulb is coming on for you, don’t beat yourself up. Your frustration shows you really do care about your relationship, despite how you feel.
Doing the work above will help alleviate that frustration and ultimately develop a stronger, healthier relationship with the people you care about the most.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman’s amazing perspective I would now ask; What did you expect? When you entered that friendship, that work place, that church, or when you look at your parents, siblings and relatives, what did/do you expect?. Once you have the answer to that question, then subject it to the above 4 evaluation questions. I believe that if you are honest with yourself, you will be equipped to ably deal with whatever is frustrating you in the relationship context.
Stay Blessed.
#WiGTyT
